


Leave it Unspoken

by Kurisutori618



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who & Related Fandoms
Genre: Episode Related, F/M, He thinks about River, Hurt/Comfort, Not the traditional letter he writes in a book., The Doctors letters, Writes what he can't say, emotions galore hopefully, river never sees them
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-29
Updated: 2017-05-24
Packaged: 2018-07-27 12:09:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 4,081
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7617562
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kurisutori618/pseuds/Kurisutori618
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Doctor knew she would understand, but there are things she didn't cas he never said them, not because he didn't want to, its because he couldn't. But didn't mean he couldn't pretend.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I Refuse

**Author's Note:**

> Based on TNOD and TWORS episodes. Just popped in my head on how the Doctor could of coped. How he could be with River, be in her presence and not struggle the pain of not sharing certain memories, moments cas one of them was not the right one to remember. He may have wrote it down. all his hopes, all the things he wanted to say to her when one day they were both linear. When they both met in the middle.
> 
> So this happened, and also I may have read lots of stories lately lol.

There was so many things the Doctor wanted to tell her.

So many things he wanted to say and do and just be him.

But they never met in the right order. So what was he to do. He wrote it all down.

So why not start on how he can't say goodbye to River as a data ghost on Trenzalore. Didn't know how. 

 

* * *

 

(Eleventh)

So there the Doctor was, standing in his beloved Tardis, tarnished and worn down by his travels of space and time.

Reunited with his long lost wife in a soul without a body, holding on to her data ghost but unable to say one word, one dreadful word cas it meant the truth.

She’s dead and he's still living. Without her.

The words form only after when their link it broken, so later on, gathering all those thoughts and feelings, finds a chair, reaches for a pen and writes for her. Writes for him.

 

XXX

 

**_River_ **

 

_You should know the truth._

 

_I refused to say goodbye to you at Trenzalore._

  
_Not because I didn’t care._

  
_Its because I cared too much._

  
_I care too much about everything._

  
_I refused cas I don’t like endings._

  
_Whats a Time lord if our time is kept spilling within my fingers despite my efforts._

  
_Nearing a final chapter._

  
_I just hate it._

  
_I said it only once, at Lake Silencio because I was lying._

  
_I was going to see you again._

  
_I was always going to see you again._

  
_But then you had to love me._

  
_Love me in a way._

  
_that broke the universe._

  
_you could of given that._

  
_to someone so much more deserving._

  
_You would have._

  
_Lived so much longer, my River._

  
_Loved so much longer and be in my life longer._

  
_For rest of the lives, to meet in different circumstances that would have been more forgiving to us both._

  
_But then I refuse changing it all, because you asked me too._

  
_It was the last thing you told me. So I refuse to dishonor you and our memories together,  Because I care. Because I love, Because it counted._

 

_Yours,_

  
_The Doctor_

 

XXX

The Doctor finished the sentence with a full stop. Setting a pen down on the table. He grazed his fingertips along the page "I may not be able to say it to you River, but I can just  pretend you're the one I can say it to.


	2. Rivers not Coming Doctor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is the Doctor after Rory tells him River won't join them in saving Amy from the Silence. He tried to channel it on paper.  
> He never finished it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So its based on The Good Man Goes To War episode. I don't normally write from the Doctor's pov but I will try.

(Eleventh)

The Doctor was drowning in a sea of emotions. He felt a little bit sheepish because he shouldn’t have let them snatch Amelia in the first place.

Also, the Doctor was worried. The feeling was persistent and mild like a quiet drumming in the background. He could ignore it if he tried especially hard. Otherwise, he could not help but hope that keeping Amelia as a ransom was the worse of the Silence's plan.

The most potent feeling was rage – it was like an anchor dragging him down to the sea bed.  How dare Madame Kovarian kidnap someone he loved?

Her and the silence were all trespassing onto dangerous territory. He was like a soon to be discovered bomb. He would make them regret the day that they ever decided to mess with him! 

However, even more so, he was angry at River for refusing to help save Amelia. How dare she not be there for him when every time she asked, he was there for her?!  

He so desperately wanted to destroy everything in his path. He wanted to punch the wall until his fist was bruised and bloody. He wanted to: kick tables; demolish stuff; howl like a wounded animal and to truly live up to his name of the Oncoming storm. 

He wanted to tell her all the things he was never be able to say because of their stupid timelines and to take back the trust he should of never gave her. 

 

XXX

 

**_River_ **

 

_Why? Just why?_

 

_When Rory told me you weren’t coming_

 

_I wanted him to be mistaken_

 

_That you were going to come later_

 

_You **would** come. You **had** to_

 

_He told me I was going to find out who you were?_

 

_Like that now, was important when Amy was in imminent danger_

_I was seething_

_Because honestly I didn’t care at this time_

_I don’t care,  if you are as horrible and malevolent as people make me believe_

_Not from Father Octavian, not even anyone else_

_If you're anything,_

_like the woman I knew at the forest clearing amidst the weeping angels. Comforting Amy you knew nothing about, that’s all I needed to know._

  

He paused and dropped his pen and closed his eyes tightly, and holding the back of his head in his hands in pain. He slammed his fists on the table. The table shuddered.  

  

“Dammit River!!!” he shouted aloud to no one. The urge to rip something apart was still there, but slightly milder.  

  

He forced his eyes and hand back on the paper. Glaring at the paper as if it too had offended him.  

  

He looked at it, though his view was unfocused. All he could focus on now was grief and betrayal.  

 

He whispered, voice full of sorrow and accusation “I wanted you to be there for Amy again” 

  

“AMY, my Amelia. And her new baby is in danger.” 

  

“She’s scared, alone!” 

  

“And you say No!”  shoving the table over with the book he written on. The table collapsed feebly on the cold hard ground and the book was flung across the room but eventually landed with a crash on the floor. 

  

 “To her husband!” 

  

“Rory. Rory who is as loyal as he is kind. Rory.” 

  

“And you say NO!” he then said angrily. 

  

“If not for Amy, do it for me!” 

  

“Be there for ME!”

 

XXX

He knew it was no use. Writing to someone, who could never properly understand and who didn’t care was pointless.  

Standing up from his chair and walking out of the room. All the anger had left him. What replaced the feeling was disappointment and dejection.  

Walking away from the neglected book and fallen table and not looking back. 

River Song only did what she wanted and he should give up waiting. 

He had better things to do like win the war and bring Amy and her baby back. 

He didn't need her help.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Had some help from my beta and she helped make this chapter better. So its even more great! XD


	3. Beloved Role to Play

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To the Doctor, being called her Husband or even Sweetie means more to him then she knows.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This letter is based after the xmas episode when 12 meets River. As linear as fate let's them to be.

(Twelfth)

The Doctor was watching his wife River sleep in their bed. It's their first night on Darillium and he still couldn't believe it. He'd forgotten what felt like to have somebody in bed next to him. Its been centuries and he'd forgotten that warmth and sense of safety, and love. Her love.

They slept together, but not how they used to, intimately. It embarrassed him when it came up.

He's the Doctor, he knows that, but his current body, all eyebrows and rudeness, just not Rivers type of rude. His cheeks barely flush at the thought but she still makes him feel the same things.

He's just wasn't her bowtie love. He hates to admit it but its true,  he cant express love in the same way he used to with her and it worries him. What if its not enough?

She needs to know he still cares for her, needs her in every single way he can because he loved her. Still loves her.

He found he could hold her hands as they ran from her Android ex, look her in the eye and be clever, talk to her, but hold her like he used to, he could not.

The Doctor will keep trying till the end if he has to.

He tries his best at telling her. That she still is as much as his wife as before, and always she understands. River always did.

She knew him. But the insecurities is still there.

Underneath his new withered old face.

Later at the end of their first night asked her if they could sleep beside each other, just sleep. She smiled at him and kissed him on the cheek and they did.

After a long while she was asleep and it was just him alone, awake thinking.

The Doctor’s mind was on overdrive. So he did what he always did, clear it all out but writing it down. Getting it right on what that woman makes him feel. Exactly.

Feelings were hard to confess to the person, if you were someone like him who loses them as soon as you grow to love them, but on paper not too bad.

 

XXX

 

**_River_ **

_We all have our titles in life, its what makes us different as a person, or represent us for each other to notice in a different role alongside our own name._

_Like I call myself the doctor, like how you carry your own as River._

_What I'm trying to say is. Is how much, the title, or as Amy calls is a cute nickname for me also implies. Its silly but I grew to like it._

_Sweetie._

_You, calling me sweetie meant more and more I saw you cas it belonged to me and only me. It was mine._

_If I were black rimmed glasses, with interesting hair, or me with floppy side hair with an even silly bowtie._

_I loved you calling me that it meant I was different, I was special, it kinda made me understand what my companions felt like._

_It felt nice._

_And how can I forget when, I claimed the title husband._

_People can say whatever the hell they like but we know, we were married. You are my wife._

_And being your husband belonged to me too._

_Then my sodding Tardis brought me over to somewhere with wet snow and Christmas cheer._  
_I didn't want to be cheered up._

_But the Tardis, as always knew what I needed, I needed someone who would be there for me._

_But apparently with surprise regeneration, and fierce eyebrows, my title in some twisted way belonged to two other people._

_Husband._

_I'll be honest, I'm still very bad at weddings. I'm definitely rubbish at it, as some of the women I married didn't really count, mostly it happened by accident._

_I mean it! Someone says words. And next thing you know bam! I'm tied to a random alienoid, with five arms and three eyes. It gets a bit much sometimes. You understand._

_At least I thought you did, after I found out you married that lump of tin for a shiny rock. I means that's...ah okay I guess cas it didn't count, and well no I'll forget that._

_But Ramone. I'm not blind. He's nice..... in terms of the humans interest of 'like very much.' Almost as young as my other face. But he definitely loved you, and hate to say it, probably deserved the title as husband._

_Its just, husband, being your husband, meant as much as sweetie, it made me, important to you._

_It meant I was your Doctor._

_You have no idea how much I wanted that when I was younger. Raving sometimes of a man I didn't know how to compete!_

_Eventually with time as agonising as it was waiting, was rewarded to know, it meant you loved not a piece, not a half but a whole._

 

_We just had to name it, so you knew what you meant to me, so I could have you and you, me and know we were not strangers._

_We knew each other longer then any pudding brains can hope to imagine or that tin can with arms._

_Husband is my title. But being your husband means the universe to me, because it means you're by my side as wife._

_A long awaited, dream, I never really believed I would ever hope of getting but did, dream. A wife as a equal._

_Please don't think for one minute wife means less to me then husband. Your husband._

_Please let me be the only one in your timeline to count, as I believe you are to me._

_Please let me be your doctor, your sweetie, your husband and the one you love._

_I don't want to give that up._

_Forever yours_

_The Doctor_

 


	4. Your Eyes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It hurt his mind. A timelord, such as he who holds so many lifes in his head. It hurts to know his secret, his burden was held by another. 
> 
> River, Professor River song.

(Tenth)

It should have been good. The Doctor, helped save 1,422 people. It should've been good.

It just wasn't enough. They were strangers. Victims to the Vashta Narada, but all he wanted was to see River.

What would he could of said?

It hurt. This wasn't just for him this regeneration. This was for every single life he ever had.

So many questions!

He couldn't talk to anyone about it. Not even Donna and she was his best friend. No matter how much he wanted to.

She was hurting too, so the Doctor gave her space. He wasn't the only one who lost something important in that Library. She deserved that. That's why he was sitting alone in a room in the Tardis.

Leaning his back on his bed post. Not to sleep but just to think.

What did people normally do? What would someone do with no one to talk too.

A creaking noise to his right opened, catching his attention. It was coming from an old cabinet he hardly ever use, not with all the running about he's done.

He flipped his legs over the bed. So his feet met the floor. He walked towards the cabinet.

It was just old books and journals of his life.

"Is it you?" He asked the air in the room. "Are you trying to tell me something,?" there was a comforting hum in answer and he smiled.

Suddenly, one of the books flew up at him, making him catch it on reflex. It wasn't anything special, it was empty, as he flicks through its pages.

Oh.... Okay then. As he figured it out.

He got a pen, and thought back to that moment of her with her little blue book.

 

XXX

 

**_River_ **

 

_What did I do to deserve you?_

 

_The way you looked at me?_

 

_What did you see?_

 

_I wish I could go back, and ask._

 

_What did we do together?_

 

_Were you a companion?_

 

_In the future?_

 

_Professor River Song Eh?_

 

_Or maybe you're something different,...._

 

_To be honest, It just doesn't really fit! Nothing did._

 

_An ordinary woman of the 51st century with a unordinary secret that wasn't hers._

 

_It was mine._

 

_How could I do that! Why would I do that?!_

 

_Not for the love of anyone would I wish that on._

 

_Not if I wanted them safe._

 

_How could I do that?_

 

_Oh River._

 

_How could I do that to you?_

 

XXX

He dropped his pen to hold his face in his hands unsteadily.

His shoulders shook.

"Maybe you'll forgive me one day River"

............

"You saved so many people!"

"But at the cost over one life...."

"Yours."

"I wonder where you learnt that from."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this quickly, before the words dissapeared from my head. Hope you like it! I haven't written something in a long while. Based on Silence in Library and Forest of the Dead.
> 
> I actually wrote another story similar like this. I like to think I've approved since then. Haha!


	5. We'll Know

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Doctor gives a special gift to River Song.

(Eleventh)

"So does it top the little blue book?" The Doctor asked his wife.

Rivers smirks at him, looking beyond their outstretched palms against one another.

“Almost” she said as she laced their fingers together tightly and leaned into him to meet his parted lips, causing him to chuckle as she kisses him again “I love it,” she breathed in his ear with her arms wrapping around his shoulders.

“How long did you say it lasts?”

“That’s the beautiful thing about this” pulling back so she was sitting on his lap and her hand between them, “once it's on your hand,” getting excited from the sound of his voice, “whether its past, present or future,” tapping it on each word with his other hand, “it will last as long as want it to” taking her given hand and kisses the tops of her knuckles lovingly.

 

XXX

 

_**River** _

 

_I thought about it many, many times_

 

 _The diaries we_ have, _can only do so much_

 

_River_

 

_I notice, when your smiles don’t meet the same feeling in your eyes_

 

_I know the differences in how you kiss me_

 

_How careful, each one is because its that important_

 

_When you want to say something but can’t_

 

_And the time when I’m not the man you think cares enough for you_

 

_Like a husband_

 

_The experiences, the memories._

_It shapes who we are, but what we have, makes it all the more complicated_

 

_We can never be linear. River, not all the time. but we make the most of it_

_I actually got the idea of an old bio-damper ring I had made for_ a woman _I knew, she was in a terrible plot by a creature known as the Racnoss_

 

 _The poor_ woman _had Huon particles inside her, so I made her wear one in order to hide her bio-signature, so she was safe from the Racnoss_

 

_Didn’t do much there, but anyway it got me thinking, why cant I do that for us?_

 

_If I make two rings, that we can wear no matter what, without having to hide them from our past selves or take them off._

 

_So these rings we have, will be invisible to everyone else and to the versions of us that are too early. Except the wearer his or herself._

_It only reveals itself, if both rings recognise one another and_ are _in the same proximity. Same place, same time._

 

_River_

 

_I want to make you happy_

 

_I know I will never be the husband you deserve_

 

_But I don’t care_

 

_I need you like a husband, needs a wife_

 

_And_

 

Its _more official with rings eh! As the humans say!_

 

_Or maybe it wasn't that? Nevermind!_

 

_~~Better than a bowtie!~~ _

~~Oh~~ _~~Fish fingers!~~ _

_~~I did not just think that. I did not just write that!~~ _

 

_You, River Song, have me so married for you._

 

_You make me so human,_

 

_If we both die, at least I know this face, floppy hair, and big chin_

 

_Was loved, more than every living thing in the universe_

 

_By the one woman who knew what it felt like to just be_

 

_From your Husband_

 

_The Doctor_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am obsessed with them together. And I don't believe I wrote a happy version. Go me!


	6. If You Could Cut the Lines

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Doctor is known to always know what is the right thing to do. But sometimes his fears and his hopes are not always clear to other people. Because he's not human. He's Timelord.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We all know all the faces of the Doctors, was Rivers type, but what if the Doctor was scared that the same wouldn't have been for him if River could regenerate.
> 
> You may or may not join this idea, but give it a chance.

The Doctor knows himself. He’s not perfect. He never was.

He's not human but he has fears, hopes and dreams, like everyone else.

But it's not always the same sense.

He's Timelord. His concept of things was different, complicated.

Especially on the words of forever, or soulmate, or even love.

And how easy how one variable of change can take that all away.

And how easy it would be to erase everything.

He might lose her sooner rather than later.

 

XXX

 

**_River_ **

 

_There is something I never told you. Something I’m ashamed of._

  
_Long time ago, you saved my life._

  
_On the stone steps of Berlin._

  
_Because I was worth saving._

  
_You died in a cold metal throne of cable wires on a library planet._

  
_Because you thought I was worth saving._

  
_So, I could live to know you._

 

_And I did._

 

 _I got to know ...... you_

 

And.

  
_You told me, something I never forgotten._

 

_You told me, you would love me forever._

 

_No matter what happens._

 

_But the truth is,_ _you can’t know that._

  
_You don’t know what is going to happen. Not always._

  
_When I regenerate, I know I will be reborn but a part of me dies and another man walks away in my place._

  
_If you regenerated..._

 

_If things weren't what they were._

  
_If there was an inkling of hope you could still regenerate, you can’t know what you will feel about everything after._

  
_You would think it was another person’s life._

  
_And that love you had for me wouldn't be there._

  
_Not like this._

  
_Not like now._

  
_I’m ashamed because I’m sort of relieved you have only one life to live left._

  
_Because, sometimes on a bad day I let myself be selfish when it comes to you._

  
_Because when you look at me, I know you love me completely._

  
_But I fear that that same look wont last in another with the same eyes._

 

_So River, I’m sorry._

 

You can't promise you will love me in the next life.

 

Or in those words of forever.

 

_Because you can't._

 

_And River I am happy you can't._

 

  
_From_

 

_D_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't decide what regeneration either 11 or twelve so I left it out.
> 
> Just a reminder. It's just a idea. It's not head canon. This is just something I always thought could happen. In the back of my mind. I've seen in series 8 and probably back in the classic era. Feelings they may have had a possible romantic connection, diminished in a new regeneration to fondness and memory. So its not too far fetched.


	7. It Hurt too much

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Doctor always had a plan. He always knew if he regenerated. He would remember every face, every life and companion in each lifetime. He would carry it with him always.  
> And sometimes, very rarely, something we lost can come back to us.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't ask. I have too many feelings.

(Twelfth Doctor)

 He remembered Bowtie.

Bowtie lost so, so much. He wanted all that pain to go away, he lost his best friends, he lost his wife, he lost a family.

He knew if he could change his face, if he could have that wish. Wish the memory to be only a memory, he would remember but it wouldn't hurt as much as it once was.

He would never see Amy and Rory again. But as for River there is always a chance. To see her.

But he couldn't carry this forever. He can't. He wanted the change he welcomed it. At least he could handle it better.

Let this feeling change to fondness, its the only way.

 

XXX

 

**_River_ **

 

  
_I thought I was ready._

  
_I thought I wasn’t going to feel like this._

  
_I wanted, No I hoped that if I ever saw you after another regeneration._

  
_Just the tiny possibility of me seeing just a glimpse of you in a new face._

  
_All of it will change._

  
_I would remember you as you are._

 

_Your name, your face and our life together._

  
_But it to be only a memory._

  
_Because it hurt River, it hurt because I had to let you go twice._

  
_Bowtie couldn’t handle it. He kept it hidden in his big blue box upon a cloud._

  
_It was bad._

  
_Back then I promised myself, if I ever got the chance, it wouldn’t be love, it would grow to fondness._

  
_Fondness without the heartbreak of missing your hearts beat with mine._

  
_I didn’t want to miss you so much it hurt._

  
_I thought I was ready next time I ever saw you._

  
_I thought I could handle your memory better._

  
_Handle your memory in another lifetime._

  
_Little did I know._

  
_Many centuries later you threw that hope of ever wanting it away._

  
_I was older, I was cold and I had no companion. And I was alone._

  
_Till knock on my door would change my life._

  
_A odd little man asking for a surgeon._

  
_A surgeon. Hah!_

  
_Not that far off._

  
_And that odd little man brought me the most wonderful gift of all._

 

_And on Christmas day._

  
_Reuniting me with my dearest wife I will always remember._

  
_You._

  
_You River. I saw you and it was amazing._

  
_You probably didn’t share it with me at first but it didn’t matter._

  
_I was stupid._

  
_How could I ever think fondness can compare to this._

 

_Seeing you._

 

_I was wiser, warmer and I had you._

  
_I love you River._

  
_Even when your mad at me._

  
_Threatening me._

  
_Look at me with no love in those eyes._

  
_No matter the hurt. I felt the same as I ever did._

  
_A husband wanting to be with his wife._

 

_With all I have_

  
_Your Doctor_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mentions of The Snowmen and THORS episodes.


	8. Traces

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Doctor had to make another decision. He didn't have to do it alone. And all it took were words from the long since passed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Based on the events of the episode of recent episode Extremis. So don't read unless watched. Won't make sense.

_"People fall out of the world sometimes, but they- they always leave traces, little things you can't quite account for: faces in photographs; luggage; half-eaten meals... ; rings. "_

_"Its funny. The things we haven't thought about in years, still have the ability to make us feel something."_

XXX

**_(Twelfth Doctor)_ **

It was over, she’s gone. No more little time. But he wasn't alone. He brought back Nardole tho with him, not entirely his usual company but he keeps him sane, and they save worlds, travelling always travelling. He can almost forget the loss but she would never really leave him. Not completely.

XXX

 

_**River** _

 

 

_You heard of The Executioners of course?_

 

_They are well known on many planets of being specialized in the ways of ending a life of any living being._

 

_Well, I had been personally summoned by them because it was by design for only a Timelord to sentence another Timelord._

 

_That Timelord was Missy. The Master._

 

_I had to sentence Missy to death._

 

_My oldest enemy and.......friend._

 

_I’m surprised it never happened sooner._

 

_I was the only one who could to do this._

 

_It was always going to end like this._

 

_The Master and Me._

 

_Things end and we can’t avoid them forever._

 

_Till you told me something I had forgotten._

 

_In the form of a little blue book._

 

_And you're always right._

 

_You helped me make the best decision._

 

_Thank you._

 

_Always_

 

_Your Doctor._

* * *

 

_XXX_

 

The Doctor smiled and the end of his written word and as the saying goes 'There's Always a way out.'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't believe we saw the little blue book. I squealed when I saw that trailer and when I watched it, I was like awwww!  
> I'd like to believe River influenced his decision since he revised her words in Missy's execution. That theres always another way. So I had to write something.  
> I hope, ever since I read a comment on Tumblr. I hope when the time comes, if the 12th Doctor regenerates, before it happens, he will leave a data ghost of his soul with River in the library. So he can finally rest in peace.

**Author's Note:**

> Definitely going to continue this, going to go through ten, eleven and twelve, mostly out of order.


End file.
